bend and snap.

we're such camera whores.
more pictures from amplify.
and from saturday where we ate alot before mass.
i need to look better in pictures.

CARNATIONS AND DAMNATIONS.

pictures from amplify.
pictures from W26R as well.

i think we're all camera whores. we just love aking pictures. actually. i love taking pictures. and if you're wondering why i'm wearing th same shirt. its because its taken on the same day. and its not because i used the shirt over and over again. thats a guy's job.

sorry sheryl for making you wait 20 mins at the bus stop! and for not returning the black pants! but i love you anyway! i really do! its a love/hate relationship!

forgive me if you think that my mood changes like i don't know. no body's business. and i just realised that maybe i am going crazy. and i forgot to put up the word of the day for the week end. well maybe i just can't be bothered. maybe thats whats wrong with me. i just can't seem to be bothered about anything. but thats not true. i give a damn about alot of things in my life. i care about my studies but i don't care about the actual trip of going to school where i sleep on the train and get neck cramps and make a total fool of myself. oh well. i'm cranky because i'm tired. even though i've slep for the whole freaking day? because i was feeling weird. i wasn't weird. but just feeling weird. had so many things going on in my head. and i guess you all can see it. typing so bloody much just for a post because i got so much to let out. anyway. me feeling all weird and emo. that was me. yesterday. because of something that happened and what someone said. and maybe i couldn't accept it. there are alot of things i cannot accept. and this was just one of it. so i ket myself in my roon so as not to let anyone else know how i'm feeling. because i was crying. so much for saying that you can't take me crying. but how many times have you made me cry? i always forget.
but i always remember how you made me laugh. you never fail do. and how you made me feel ridiculously dumb.

i think i love flowers. and chocolates. thank you for actually buying the chocolates! gosh. nine bucks! i never thought that you would but the chocolates. i thought that you woul just steal them. i feel so touched. i really do. and then the flowers? i'm sorry for laughing and giving you a shock i got a shock myself. you're giving me free roses from st anne's feast day. red and white. it just reminds me of national day. red and white. and add in the whole load of drama you intend to add in. oh my! i think i'll just die. please don't give it to me infront of everyone! especially after mass! and don't do the kneeling! oh goshness! don't let me die of embarassment! hahas.
i think i owe you alot of things. 4 hugs. and something else. only we both know! but the deal is off if you ask for it after soccer and you're all sweaty and disgusting. gosh. and study hard alright? don't let all the things that have happened bring you down! no no no! i demand 6 points from you! then i can treat you to what ever you want to eat. yeah. even marche, or swensens or jacks place. anything! yuppp! 6 points! if anything more. you're getting a slap from me. so yeah. 6 points!


hmmm. i guess i still love you.

WHEN ITS OVER.

so is this what you really want to do. all these are some part of an elaborate plan of yours? what plan? what is it that you're not telling me? so you mean that it isn't enough for you to hurt me constantly when we're together. you decide to do this even when we're just friends? do you really want to push everyone away? honestly? i don't want you to do this. because its not healthy. she might have hurt you and made you upset. i know. but is this the way to go about this? i don't know. but don't do this to me. don't take it out on me. i refuse to go down like this. but are you giving me a choice? to say what i want to say? when i thought that things were going to get better for me. when i thought i wouldn't go mad or something. when i thought i was going to get on with life with a smile on my face. i guess i was too dependant on you. i know i am. i was trying not to be. but i guess i am a failure. we started out as friends. i don't see why we had to end this way. i don't want you to push me away. i don't want you to do this.

there were times where i regretted loving you. and i wondered why i was so stupid to. people say that i'm stupid to put up with you. to even continue talking to you after all that you have done. yes. i admit. there were times when i called myself stupid for the same reason. stupid for falling in love with you. stupid for even letting myself go on like this. but i don't know why. everytime i think of something like this. the regret just seems to fade away. because i choose to remember the happy times. of this friendship. how you kept me strong even when i'm falling apart. you were my pillar of strength. and you still are. but your sudden withdrawal had left me crumbling. must you really do this? should you even be doing this in the first place? i don't know. is it my place to say? i don't think so. i guess not. i don't know. but its like. throughout everything we had together. you seem to be the one who is constantly making the decisons for the both of us. does it look like i need you to make my choice for me? who i need my friends to be? what i should do. or if i should have a back up plan if you decided to make my decision for me and decide not to be my friend anymore. i don't believe in that. i though friends stick by each other? no matter what? its not like you decided to be someones friend or not. we're not in primary school anymore. you realise that? you tell me that your plan is falling into place?
fuck you.
what kind of plan do you have? i don't like the sound of this. i don't believe in this. so you're going to plan your friendship? your love life? you're screwed in the head. thats all i can say. i thought i knew you. i thought wrong. can you prove me wrong? can you prove to me that you're worth holding on for?

do you still want your hug? do you still want me to be there? because i know that thats all i can do for you right now. nothing else. i'm going to be there for you. it doesn't matter if i still love you or not. i'm not going to take what you said into cnsideration for the moment. can't you just screw the plan? can't you let God do his work and leave it all to him. why take everything into you own hands? you stupid boy.

it doesn't matter. if im breaking inside. i still love you.

let me break.

i don't know what to say. maybe i'm speechless. or maybe i'm too confused to say anything. i don't know what to say or do. so maybe i'll just keep quiet. because i was told that silence is golden.

i'm tired and lazy. and i'm lost. maybe i just can't bothered. and i don't want to stay at home. i want to get out of the house. any where but here. my earstick can't go into my cartilidge. and its damn shit assed pain. its almost in. i want to go for st anne's feast day. but there is no one to go there with me. boohoo! i just don't want to stay home.

i've got so much of things going on in my head. too much. i can't seem to organise my thoughts. i can't blog. i can't write. i haven't written in my book in a really long time either. i'm getting rusty in writing. and everything else. i can't get my thoughts straight. i'm really lost and confused. i don't know.

thank you sean for the chocolates. even though i don't know if you stole it or bought it. but thanks anyway. i never tried that flavour before. whee! it cheered me up from a horrible day. thank you. and i'm sorry that i couldn't give you what you asked for. horrible timing? i guess. next time. i told you to take the initiative to ask for it right? hmmm. next week i guess.

i think i shall continue eating chips with mayo. and vomit or something. then i shall be off to sleep.

goodnight world.
i'll miss YOU all.

things i don't believe in.

• i don't believe in sean calling me fat. AT ALL!
• and i don't believe in him using my well deserved chocolates to threaten me if i don't eat.
• i don't believe in my yellowcard cd not being returned to me even after two damn long years!
• i don't believe in lending the servers my cds anymore!
• and living waters not sending in the work when its due!

i have been stressed! so much to do. and i just want to knock my head against the freaking wall. and mummy just scold me. because i overspent. yet again! just messaged me to tell me how pissed she is. i think. i should come up with some kind of financial plan. gosh. sound like what i learnt in school. i think i should save! yes yes i should! and exercise. so that SOMEONE won't call me fatso anymore! yes yes!

i think i should call sheryl. to see if i'm eating lunch with her or not. if not. the only meal of the day will be dinner. and chocolates that someone promised me! i shall remind and remind and remind! i think he already got the gist.

i think some people should be more responsible and do the work that they are assigned to. so that people put in charge. like me. won't get into trouble! and i think i should go for dance practice this week. before i get sacked. and won't be able to perform. then i have to join kayaking or something. ewww!

everyday i sit here waiting.
everyday it jsut seems so long.
and now i've had enough of all the hating.
do we even care?
its so unfair.
anyday it'll all be over.
everyday there's nothing new.
and i'll just to find some hope.
to try and hold onto.
but it starts again.
it'll never end.

i'm heavily broken.
and i don't know what to do.
can't you see that i'm choking.
and i can't even move.
when there's nothing left to say.
what can you do?
i'm heavily broken.
and there's nothing i can do.

almost given up on trying.
almost heading for a fall.
and now my mind is screaming out.
i gotta keep on fighting.
but then again.
it doesn't end.

feels like i'm drowning.
screaming for air.
louder i'm crying
and you don't even care.

heavily broken
; the veronicas.

a lil invasion.

hey all.
petina here.
nessa is trying to do her work and i'm invading her blog because she is using a stupid internet browser called firefox. which remembers everything for her because she was lazy. and so. everytime i go into blogger. it just goes into her dashboard.
anyway. thank you nessa. for bringing your laptop and entertaining me.
and she looks gothic with her pitch black hair.
i never liked her with black hair.
she looks so sad with it.
but now she has a smile on her face when ever i see her.
i know she is trying to be strong.
but there is something about her.
its from a memory.
where her smile really meant that she was happy.
but it wasn't like last time.
i don't know.
she's changing.
and i know its not because if me.
i'm such a horrible friend.

so who ever it is that has been making her smile.
thank you so much.
thank you for mking her stronger.
make sure she eats her medication.
and eat her meals.
so that she won't get sick.
thank you.
i can never take care of her.
but i'm always worried about her.
so please.
take care of her in my stead.
thank you.


;petina.
:))

germane.

appropriate or fitting. relevent.

i just got back from amplify. yes yes! jsut plug in and amplify! it wasn't as good as i expected it to be? i don't know. so many people were telling me how great it is and i kinda got really high expectations. and i'm sorry that you can't see my tagboard! cause i can't see it either! and i didn't know what the wrote. boohoo!

i think i should type a really long post.
as in.
it should jsut be long in name and this post shall not mean anything at all.
so that all the videos can go to the bottom.
and they won't block my tag bord.
anyway.
i was talking about amplify right?
i guess i will go next week.
and actually be in time for parise and worship.
i cried during praise and worship.
when the person said to raise up your hand if you want to heal your brokeness.
i just started crying.
tears started flowing down.
and the room felt really warm.
i guess HIS presense was really felt.
i really did feel it.
maybe thats why i'm going there next week again.
so as to feel it all over again.
and going back to GOD.


anyway.
school was fun.
so many different point of views thrown all about class.
about ethics.
and its all about personal opinion.
and most of class were wearing formal shirts.
it was all planned.
and i think we look all so cool in it!
and we took so many picutres. and i wanted to post them.
so that i can happily fill up more space!
everybody say hooray.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY VIVIEN!

i have no idea how old she is today.
but happy birthday anyway.
and i had no idea how old she is.
and i didn't buy her a birthday present.
i really wanted to post the pictures!
boohoo!
i don't like this.

oh! oh!
i did my hair today, and its all black!
step emo!
hahas.
i was kinda sick of coloured hair.
it was getting boring.
so i decided to follow the treand od many celebrities.
and dye my hair black?
i don't know.
i'm with petina now.
everyone say hi to my friend.
she's getting better now.
i think its helping her alot.
she'll be invading later.
so please.
don't kill her.

i have to do my reflection journal.
i guess i'll be done for now.
expect the cool class pictures soon!
love YOU all!

when insanity becomes normal.

i don't know why. but it just seems that i have a feeling that his is going to be a pretty long post.

its the first time in a long time. that i didn't cry myself to sleep. and i myself don't know how i managed to do it. all i know is that i felt really free. i even had energy to do my almost impossilbe 30 crunches. and do other toning stuffs before i sleep. i laid my head on my pillow. thought about what happened. and i felt happy. not really happy happy. it was more like contented. instead of happy. i can't even describe it. i feel so stupid all of a sudden. maybe i am. who knows.

its communicatons today. we're doing ethics. hooray. i think there is going to be alot of conflict in the class. currently we're doing the conflict on abortion. and DIY abortion. which i have no idea how it is done. jump until the baby comes out. eat pineapples. or water melons. or continually hit their tummy until the baby comes out or something. gosh. there is so much to say about this. and there are so many factors to think about. and so many different views.

we're about to do another video. we've done so many videos. and they're all on youtube. its damn funny. i think my class is addcited. our new one. i'm the slut. hahas. and i get killed. oh shit. die of food poisoning. lets all say hooray. vanessa danilee lee li ting is going to die. AMANDA. DO MY FUNERAL K? i love you all.

FRIEND;
this is for you. i don't know if you can read this. or even get to. you don't have to worry about me alright? i think you worry too much. especially about me. its like a job or something. to worry about me. don't alright? it won't help you or me if you keep worrying. it will give you wrinkles! i'l eat all my meal properly. i'll be even more stable. in every sense of the word.
let me say thank you. to one of the greatest friend a girl could have. i kow you told me that you only accept hugs. especially long ones. i know i give amazing hugs. and i promise not to cry. i promise. even though i might feel that i won't be able to control myself. hugs usually make me cry. anyway. back to my point. thank you for constatly being there. for being so accepting me even though i'm so screwed up and so unstable. thank you for making me laugh. for making me happy when i'm miserable. there are just so much more things to thank you for. you will get your due thanks.
i gave you so many presents. you still have my baby pictures. and the book you were supposed to give me last christmas. you got so many stuffed toys. some might think that you're a girl in disguise. but if anything happens. don't give anything back to me alright? maybe my pictures. but thats all alright? i don't want anything returned to me. you rock! alot alot alot! love!
don't be upset. if you think that i mean it if i said that i don't love you anymore. last night, i was only being sarcastic. don't take it to heart. don't cry. cause i still love you. i can't believe you ever doubted me. you actually believed that i said that? you big fat fool! even though i can't hold you. or kiss you. or openly tell you how much i love you and need you. don't be stupid. even though i cannot affectionately call you "baby" or "dear". but this is what you are in my heart. i will never stop loving. i will never stop waiting. you told me that i should not be there for you anymore if i dont love you. well. maybe i'll be here for you for a really long time. because i haven't found a way to stop loving you. i know you care about me. but i didn't know it was to an extent like this. you said that if i didn't love you anymore. you would cry. but why? but you don't seem to want to tell me. why not? it just seems that there is just too much that you're not telling me. are you afraid that i'll think too much. do i worry you? i love you. i really do. but do you still? you give me the impression that you still do. technically, you should be relieved that i don't love you anymore. so why cry and be upset? i don't know whats going on in your head. and i hope that you can tell me. you say that i'm still a huge part in your life. but how can i be if you don't tell me anything? if you continue to keep things from me? is this right? i don't know. almost wanted to end it off with a baby there. stupid me. it was a long time ago. should forget and i can't. be paitent with me. but i still love you baby.

apologia.

its today's word of the day. and no, it doesn't mean apologise. its a totally different meaning.

its a formal justification, especially of one's opinions, positions or actions.

anthony and sean! i am not weird or confused or stupid! i'm perfectly normal. thank you for spenign time with me venting machine! hahs. you rock! and i'm too tired to blog anymore. i shall just watch singapore idol. and hope that emilee goes out or something. i don't really like her. hahas. sorry. and i don't want gayle to go. but she has to anyway. HADY WILL WIN!

so let me watch tv.
i'll miss YOU all.

these are the parts of you that cause my comatose to begin.

i don't want to be labelled as though i'm weak.
it was a long time ago.
just forget it.
thats what you said to me.
you didn't try hard enough.
don't you dare tell me that i didn't try hard enough.
Lord knows how hard i've been trying.
Lord knows how much i've been hurting and how difficult this is for me.
i'm still trying.
so be patient with me alright?
i cannot promise you that i'll get over this soon.
but i don't want to forget.
i don't want to forget that i was once happy.
that i finally broke down these walls.
and now i'm trying to build them up again.
what for?
why do you need these walls?
you ask me again. well then.
let me tell you.
its because i refuse to be hurt again and i don't want to cry anymore just because i feel miserable.
its just something that i don't believe in.
i wnt to be happy.
i really do.
its been something i've been trying to achieve for a really long time.
like i said.
give me some time.

i didn't go to school today. cause i can't be bothered to wake up. cause i slept at one plus last night. talking to my friend called sean. and how the girls in his school are so scary that i think God that i didn't go to a mixed school. because Lord knows what guys do there just to get eye candy. we both know yeah? talking and talking. about how i was so easy to bully and make fun of. and he thinks that its a good thing. saying that i'm ugly and yet. adorable. bottom line. cute. but i still don't think so anyway. i'm an ugly child.
so i guess she heard. about the letter. and maybe that i was supposed to pass it to her. i don't know what to say about it. but like i told her. i'll be totally objective about this. ill be there for the both of you. but. if anyone of you needs me. just call me. and i'll be there. sounds like a song. but no matter. cause its the truth.
but thank you though. FRIEND! for being there. whats in the past remains in the past. i have no intention to go back to it. i don't want to stay in the shadows of the past and end up even more hurt. cause we both know how it is to hurt. i guess all we can do now is to support each other yeah? i guess so.

FRIEND;
just remember alright. i'll be here no matter what. if our friendship can last this long despite what happened. i guess its STRONG! you said that nothing i do will change your mind set about me. i'll say the same for you. and i seriously need to come up with a name for you. rather than jsut typing friend as a heading.

BOOYA;
you know i'll always be here for you alright? no matter what. i know its so freaking complicated. and i don't want to know too much also. if not i get whacked in my face. left. right. up. down. centre. hahas. and i hope nothing changes what we have now. a totally awesome friend.

GOD;
i'm asking for strength. alot of it. to be able to go through what i am going through without breaking down. cause i don't think i can handle it now. why is it that ive been praying so hard everynight before i sleep. praying that i'll be just fine. so make my cross lighter. so that i can carry it properly. instead, make me stronger. so i can lift the cross no matter how heavy it is. and make the road ahead less bumpy. strengthen my faith. make me gow in your grace.
thank you.


my fingers are freezing.
cause the air con at macs are damn shit assed cold.
waitng for anthony to come and meet me.
oh hurry up!

maybe its for you.

maybe i never thought i could get through this.
going through everynight with only the memories of our last kiss.
maybe i didn't want to let go just yet.
just in case i'd do something we both regret.
maybe its a choice i've made.
and i hope its not to late.
i know nothing can exchange.
for the reality of memories that can't be replaced.
i may just be watching from the sidelines.
and that my love for you can't be defined.
but remember how everything used to be?
how it used to be only you and me?
even though i remembered every single word, every single touch.
but somehow it just isn't enough.
i wish and i try.
but i can't go on living a lie.
i can't seem to tell you how much i still love you.
or how much i'm missing your love.
or how long i'll keep withing for you.
only you.

27.07.06

grandiloquent.

woah! i didn't know i would know such a huge word. well. it means grand. actually, it came from the word grand. hahas. aren't i smart? i know i am! it means lofty in style; bombastic; pompus.
it just means that they are stuck up! rahahah! i'm getting hyper.

and its only because i'm escaping.
about how i really feel.

TO THE TOTALLY AWESOME VENTING MACHINE.

DEAR GOD.
MY DEAR GOD.

please let anthony realise that i'm not weird and confused.
and that i'm perfectly sane.
except for the time i dreamt of him on the picture above.
although i think its a little bit small.
the picture i mean.

and tell him that he's the mad one.
i don't know why.
but he is mad.
thats the end of story.

and he's mean.
i wasn't covering up.
then he say i cannot call him anything anymore.
ANYTHING?
you're mad.
so it means that i cannot call you venting machine anymore?
boohoo!
cannot.
the names i call you are amazing!
very very amazing!

just so you know.
i can blackmail you.
cause you still don't have your lit book.
nanny nanny poo poo!
sorry.
was being mad.

but.
you rock!
for making me laugh when i was about to cry.
for making me happy.
for actually being there.
for hearing me talk so much of rubbish.
and walking all over town just to find an ATM.
which i still think its really stupid.
and thanks for the yummy yummy food we ate.
and the cool band (kinda) that sang.
and you paying for the food.

bottom line being.
MY VENTING MACHINE ROCKS!
BIG TIME!

YOUR SHADOW SCARES ME.

i don know why. i'm still crying before i sleep. i've been praying. so damn hard. and trying just as hard. just to forget you. do you honestly think you can stand just watching in from the sidelines? i don't think so. you're just going to let her go? i don't think so. but when you talk to her on sat. i'll be waiting. just in case you need me. just don't kill anyone during soccer. if you need to cry. i'll be around. to comfort you. if you give me a call. i'll be there. i'll even skip mass. if you need me to be there. i will be.
i don't want to keep hiding from what i really feel inside. its the cause of my current insanity right now. enough of this brave front. enough of hiding and getting more and more miserable every single time. i don't need this. i want to run away. like pet did. but this time. i never want to return. simple run away. no judgement. no pain. nothing. but tis just escaping. runnign away from the pain. there's nothing good in running away. but there is nothing good in staring the problem in the face either. i don't know how to handle my problems. and i want to go help others. i can't even be strong for myself. and here i am. being the pillar of strength towards others. i need people. but more people need me. there's pet. and claire. maybe him. i don't know. it just feels that i have to be there. its like i'm responsible for their welfare. i don't know. i'm kinda confused. by everything. i have no control in my life now. no control of my emotions. and the things i see. i need a release. i hope that by going to amplify would help me. i hope God will help me. i want him to go too. so he can feel better about himself.

today's class is horrible. i just want t give up. i feel so stupid at ths moment. someone kill me please.

BURNING UP MY DREAMS.

i'm such a fucked up hypocrite. i can't even help myself and here i am helping you. i don't know why i'm this stupid. the fact that i'll be willing to do anything for you. anything. even if it means to make you happy. i'll just hide in a corner and continue hurting. because i know that i can't be shut out of your life. so i'll be this vessel. where you throw all your troubles to. simply saying how much you love her and miss her. how much you want to hold her and how much you want to tell her you love her over and over again. i understand how you feel. because i feel the same way. but there is nothing i can do because you don't feel the same way. but i know you can do it. a least she loves you.
i don't know how to comfort you. i don't know how to make you feel better. because i'm not her. i can't assure you anything. but its a decision you've made. if you can't treat her like a sister then why do this? i'm sorry. its not my place to say. but you're always making decisions because its better for the both of you. both of anybody. but have you ever thought what the other party really wanted?
i'm sorry i lied. i haven't let go. but i cannot stand holding on. you're telling me to have a back up plan. fuck you. and you said that you know me. that you understand me. you know how long it takes for me to trust someone. and i'm not going through the whole process of trusting someone so completely. what if the person can't accept me like you can? and pushes me away bacause of everything i've done and everything i'm going through. the things i've seen? i'm sorry. but you're the best back up plan anyone could have. you're the only one i trust. cause the other is in a fucking rehab. and i need to be strong for her. and i need to be strong for you now too. because we both know how you are right now.
i can't take the strain. i want to breakdown and cry. i want to die. i'm tired. i really am. too tired to handle anymore than this. i'm begging you now. don't leave yet. i'm not ready for this. not yet. i keep waking up in the middle of the night. crying. and so afraid. i'm on the verge. falling.

i still love you. so much. but i know that i have to let go. because it hurts too much to let go. so stop saying that you love me. stop showing me affection. just be a friend. so i can move on gracefully. i don't want to be forced to do anything. i was forced to grow up too fast. i don't want to be forced to get over you. sorry. not now. i still love you. and there are no words to say how much i miss you.

you took my hand.
you showed me how.
you promised me you'd be around.
i took your words and i believed.
in everything you said to me.
if someone said three years from now.
you'd be long gone.
i'd stand up and punch them out.
cause they're all wrong.
i know better.
cause you said forever and ever
who knew?
remember when we were such fools.
and so convinced and just too cool.
i wish i could touch you again.
i wish i could call you a friend.
i'd give anything.
when someone said count your blessings from not.
before they're long gone.
i guess i didn't know how.
i was all wrong.
but they knew better.
still you said forever.
and ever.
who knew?
i'll keep you locked in my head.
until we meet again.
and i won't forget you my friend.
what happened.
if someone said three years from now.
you'd be long gone.
i'd stand up and punch them out.
cause they're all wrong and.
that last kiss i'll cherish.
until we meet again.

who knew
; pink.






it might take time.
but i'll heal.
cause they say that time heals all wounds.
our chemistry could destroy this place.

CHEMISTRY DESTROYS.

gosh. i just got back from learning chem from sean. and i met cherie there as well. and she was mad i tell you! mad! i fear cherie for she may make me mad as well! and she kept making sean choke on his food. hahhas. damn funny.
thanks for trying to teach me chem! you rock! hahas. but no playing with my knife next time and trying to do stupid things in the middle of macs and wasting my laptop battery instead of teaching me properly. and not sharing you food. i don't believe in that. and chatting with my friends and scolding my cousin. tsk tsk! so bloody mean. and sorry for writing all over your book! but you didn't give me enough time to write nice stuff in your book! humph. next time alright? i'll write a whole paragraph of nice stuff in your book alright?

and study please! tsk tsk! your exams are coming soon!so you better study and get good results like we talked about last night. get 6 points. and i'll treat you to lunch. anything you want. buffet or something. ANYTHING! you hear me? 6 points and below. if my loser drunk friend can do it. so can you! yes yes you can! if you need help. in math or something. i can help. and no slacking in tuition! and do you best! thats all i ask of you. just do you best alright?

and sher! we were talking about bringing you to the prayer meet. cause we both(larris and myself) think its damn cool. a healing process for you and me i guess. Lord knows we need it. so try to come alright. its on fridays. at 8. at Catholic Sprituality Centre.
larris better be proud of me. cause i'm promoting for you as well! so where's my treat? hmmm? i'm demanding for it now! now now now!



let me watch my cartoons in peace.
and hope that i won't go to sleep.
goodbye world.

heading for a fall.

i was so prepped up to go to school today. but i simply couldn't wake up. slept at one plus. and i had to wake up at six. the sleep simply wasn't enough. i'm a pig. i know.
i'm going to learn chem later. hopefully i learn something. i feel stupid for now knowing chem at all. cause i sucked at it in lower secondary. and i didn't study that subject for my o levels. and it just seems that everyone else in my class knows what the teacher is talking about.
i'm watching Oprah now. about this guy who got married to so many women at the same time. its like. he would date a woman for about a month and then propose to her. and they would get married. at the same time. he has another wife in a different state. in a span of 4 years. he was married to more than ten women. and all the time. he was always married to two women. there wa never a time where he was not married. conman much?
and there is this woman. who got married to this 'wonderful' guy. who was so caring and everything. who was her soulmate and her best friend. and they were so in love. then he planned the biggest birthday bash for her. and when she woke up. he was gone. leaving her in huge debt. everything gone. conman much? again?
i'm like losing faith in guys. they're all cheats.
no. i shall have faith. cause they're all influenced by the horrible and terrible devil. i'm sure there are good guys out there. and hopefully i'll have a man who is good. to me and everyone around me. i have faith in God to bring the right person in my path.

i should get ready soon. i have to cook sausages to eat. cause i'm a hungry child. and go learn chem. about all the weird bonds about hydrocarbons and stuff.

i;m trying to think of a topic to talk about. but i can't think of a single thing to talk about. and i don't know what to put as my title as well. argh! i'm losing my touch. i cannot write anymore! basket! maybe later. then i can think of something to write about. yes yes!

give me a reason.

why are you doing this? its already difficult enough.
even if you don't need me anymore. i still need you. just when i told myself that i won't cry for you anymore. but here i am. with tears flowing down my face. are you trying to throw our friendship away? are you? you may not need me anymore. but i still need you. need you to be my strength. i cannot go through all these alone.
it wasn't easy to accept not having you constantly by my side. i've just managed to go on with you only as my friend. but now you're throwing this away? what for? what fucking for?
who can i go to now? if you're not here.
don't give me a lame excuse that it's not right. its not for you to decide for me. i chose this path. of being your friend. i've let go. i've moved on. but i'm not willing to throw this friendship away. if you care for me. then let me be there. please. i still need someone to turn to. can it be you?
my head feels so heavy. and i'm sinking. just when i thought that GOD was going to make my life better. the devil comes along and pulls me into the black hole. you were there to save me back then. will you be here to save me now? you brought me light. so continue to keep me from the darkness thats threatening to eat me alive.
you tell me to turn to someone else. but its different. don't you see? they can't constantly be there for me like you can. they don't know me like you do. they're not as accepting as you are. so please. don't push me aside and leave me alone. i'm getting weaker. and i hope you see this. i can't hndle this right now alright? maybe when i'm stronger. cause i know that when i'm stronger. i'm string enough to handle this. to handle all of this without te risk of breaking into pieces.


just not now.

sheryl koh xue er!

i think i love sheryl more than words can say.

and i have this to tell you babe. its never easy letting go. but its no use to hold on either. it will only hurt even more. so i tell you what. i lend you my shoulder no matter what. and don't tell me that you look ugly when you cry. cause babe. i've known you for how long? 11 FREAKING YEARS! and we've been through so much with each other. and that has only made our relationship even stronger! and i hope that you know that you have so many people around you to give you all the positive energy you need! good karma! i think i should play survivor by destiny's child for you. cause i know you're one! you're strong cause GOD had made you so. and through this. you can only be stronger! i know you can.
let the tears fall while they can. because its not going to last. let it all out because you'll feel better. you're not weak if you cry. BUT YOU'RE STRONG BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO ADMIT THAT YOU'RE HURT! and that makes us human.
but never forget that i'll be here to cath your tears. and turn them into smiles that make you uber beautiful! and don't you dare deny that fact. cause you're beautiful. and you're perfect. CAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES.


i love you sher.
a special person with a throne in my heart.
cause you're the ULTIMATE PRINCESS!

LITTLE RED CROC-ING HOOD.

alright. so maybe i didn't get the dream i wanted. which is to be in an alternate universe of being in my own version of pirates of the carribean. with all the action and the romance.
everybody say awwww....
BUT! what i got was me slogging my life out carrying heavy black stuff under the firey hot sun back to church somemore! but what i saw in church was damn funny. i think it was before evening mass. i don't know why mosts of the servers aren't serving mass. but they were running around like idiots chasing each other here and there. but that was not the funny part. i think that hilarious part was when i saw anthony running in RED CROCS! you know? the super comfortable but damn ugly shoe? he was running and tripping all over it! hahahs. damn funny. i think i woke up laughing. stupid. i know. but the mental image is still stuck in my head. gosh. i need to go brain washing. i personally hate that shoe. cause its damn ugly.

but anyway. i'm pissed. very pissed. so pissed that i'm ontemplating on not going to church today at all. becasue people who were supposed to send me articles still didn't send them to me. but i shall keep my cool. yes yes. maybe they did it. on paper. and didn't send them to me. we'll see during meeting alright? i hope they'll give me the articles so that i'm not done for!

i don't know why i'm watching documentries. i don't know how you spell it. i haven't eaten. just threw away the whole tupperware of red bean soup. i'm sorry. i think i'm seeing red. yepp. i'm going to have oreos and milk. i need happy food. i want happy food. happy food is greatly needed. and pool as well. and its so bloody windy now.
i'm just being random. forgive me.
i miss you.
another random point.
i'm supposed to meet sher. but she hasn't called yet and i haven't bath yet. gosh. scratch that. sher just called. and i have to go. and bathe. i'm going to get money today! yes yes i am! and i'm a happy girl with money.

did i tell you that i want superpowers!
really amazing superpowers?
even more super than wonder woman?
i think i'm going to be late.
but i will have superpowers!
to make my wildests fantasies come true.
i would want that very much.
GOD! please grant me this!


its just my wishful thinking.
amongst other things.
and i'm going to be late.
goodbye.

AYE AYE CAPTAIN!

i just got back from watching pirates of the carribean. and it was soooooo long. and sitting next to shermann didn't help one bit.
the story was good. a pretty good sequel i must say. can't wait for the third one to come out soon! yes yes. and when it does, it sit next to someone not as distracting as shermann! so much for thinking of watching the movie in peace. i don't believe in people calling me self centered for not sharing pop corn when he is doing the exact same thing! boohoo! and he was threatening throw pop corn and whatnot at me! i fear shermann for he may kill me!

its racial harmony day today. and i was walking with lexine to school. she wore this orange malay costume thingy. which made me wish that i was still in seconday school. where we brought all the costumes and kept changing but never really wore them for more than an hour. i miss those days where we took so many photos just for the sake of it. and how everybody wore the uniform by the time the last period arrives.
i saw larris's photos on his blog. and i think some people don't know whats the meaning of racial harmony. wear his own clothes all. you think funny is it?

anyway. i have the feeling that i have to sleep soon. because i have church the next day. and i'm worn out. for the past few weeks. a friend says that i've been thinking too much. and i agree. so i should be off to dream land. give myself a peace of mind like what sleep should do. but living waters haven't send me anything for the bloody website post. so if any of you are reading this.
SEND ME THE ARTICLE! SO THAT I CAN BLOODY HELL DO IT!
thank you very much.

like i said. i should be off. and to bed. and sleep. and pray before i do. and do my crunches before i do. you think that i'm going to get abs by typing i want them? not funny. i think its cool to work for what you want. so that you'll treasure it. i was reading all my old posts. and if you're wondering why you can't read it. i deleted the blog and made a new one cause i wanted the title thing cause it seems so cool. and i realised that i've changed. well. grown up actually. from infatuations. to like. to actually falling in love. and heart break as well. i've bcome someone different. something a four years ago kinda me wouldn't know. or imagine myself to be. not that i'm proud of the stupid stuff that happened. but proud of growing up and realising my stupidness in tha past. THANK GOD FOR THAT.

and so. before i sleep. i shall pray. and before that. do my 30++ crunches and hope that i won't die doing them. and before i sleep. think of something happy so that i'll have a really nicw and sweet dream. oh so cool.
i'm off to become a pirate. or like elizabeth swann. so that i can get a dashing hero like will turner. and sail across the seven seas. and fall in love. live a life of freedom. and i think i'm already dreaming. forgive me for it. off to dreamland.

i can already hear the sound of the sea.
goodnight world.
i wish for world peace.

SHED SOME LIGHT ON THIS.

maybe this is little overdue.
and i was too ignorant to realise any of this.
until some kind soul decided to show me the way.
alright. so how do i go about doing this? i think an apology is needed. sorry for not realising this earlier. and not knowing that so many didn't like me for this. i'm not trying to make excuses. i know that i seek attention. but i didn't realised that i was doing it to this extent. but i guess all of you have the mentality that i love doing this. i don't. i had no idea that i was doing it until someone pointed it out to me. first it was living waters. and i tried to change. i'm sorry for taking so long to do so. and then i heard it from a third party. and how much he/she detests me for it. but what i don't understand is that why you pretend to be my friend and say all these behind my back. say it to my face if you have the guts. like what priss does. it makes me feel better that at least she's a good enough friend to tell me my bad points to my face and not gossip behind my back.

living waters;
i thank you all for point it out to me, even if its before the whole group and made me realised what a bitch i was. even though it was during camp and in front of eveyone. but at least i know how everyone feels. AMANDA and AUDREY! thank you for telling me exactly whats wrong with me. and still accepting me for who i am. and PRISS for acknowledging that i've changed, no matter how little. and encourage me to be better. i really miss you. and JARED who chooses to be oblivious to all this. and still stay by my side.

awesome;
i know you may have told me this a million times. and i'm sorry for realising it only after so long. but thanks for not losing faith in me. you really are a friend.

ass;
look, just because you have sources around. doesn't mean that you can judge by people's actions. you have no right to. and i believe that only talk behind people's back and not to their face. stop thinking you know everything about me when you're just a spectator in my life. and its not like i'm not admiting to my mistakes. so there is no need to condemn me for this. you don't even now the littlest thing about me and you start talking to me like you've known me all your life. i may not be very close to amanda and audrey. but at least they know me better than you. at least i choose my friends well. and i don't believe why you should hold grudges. and let the past be in the past? there are something i did that i'm not proud of. but you seem so dead panned on condemning me. then good for you. it doesn't affect me in anyway. so go on and pretend to be my friend. there is nothing good for you if you carry on like that anyway. so go fuck yourself.

and you all;
if you have this mindset about me. i'm sorry about it. but i was hoping that you'll leave this mindset about me. i'm changing. encourage me to change for the better. please? i need all the support i can get. thank you. i'm changing bit by bit. cut me some slack for it.


i should get over this.
and be a better person out of this.
thank you very much.

SEEING IS BELIEVING.

she was having visions. she wanted it to go away. so she went to seek help. but what she bargained for wasn't what she had.
she saw this little girl. all broken and tattered. she was screaming in pain. it was more than pain. and she wanted to go away. she saw alot of blood. mainly her own. spilling out from the self inflicted wounds. but it wasn't enough for her. so she began scratching. when her skin became too thin. although it bagan to hurt, she refused to stop. it was an addiciton. she needed the pain. but she never cried. she could kick and scream and do anything she wanted. but she never cried. cause she felt that it was a weakness to cry infront of people. so she hid herself. away from the world. which is why she's still hiding away from herself.
and then she saw him.
he looked broken. but not like she was. there was two of him. one tormenting the other. one hiding from the other. his split personality. one was the tyrant. the other was the submissive one. he couldn't decide which one he was. the tyrant was beating the other up. torturing him. hurting him. killing him. berating him for a mistake he know he shouldn't have made. he was breaking. he's cracking. becoming someone he doesn't know. changing so drastically that even he scares himself. slowly but surely.

i don't know why all these is happening.
all i can say is to look after yourself.
there is nothing much i can do.
as much as i want to.
but i can't be the one to fix you.
you have to fix yourself.

i was supposed to watch a movie with sean.
the movie starts at 330.
but he came at 345!
an hour late!
cause we were suppposed to meet at 245.
basket!
and eat up all my onion rings somemore.
and stole my phone!
basket.
humph!